


A Love Like Charades

by Kymanatic



Category: South Park
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angry kyle, Angst, But Also Resolved, Catfishing, Cheeky Cartman, Dates, Denial of Feelings, Eric Cartman Being Eric Cartman, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, Flirting, Hate to Love, Jealousy, Kyle Is Fed Up With Cartman’s Shit, M/M, Online Dating, Pranking, Slow Burn, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-03-30 21:01:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13959939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kymanatic/pseuds/Kymanatic
Summary: The boys are seniors in high school, and Kyle, who cannot seem to get a date, decides to try out an online dating site. Cartman seizes the opportunity to pull the ultimate prank on Kyle, but what happens when his mischievous stunt backfires and causes conflicting feelings to rise to the surface?An online dating fic, but it gets twisty





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Not gonna lie, I'm actually not entirely sure how many parts this fic is going to be split up into. My temporary estimation at the moment is three though, sooo, yeah sure...we'll just go with that for now.
> 
> As far as updates are concerned, my hope is to have the next chapter up by the end of the week, but that all depends on how busy I am. It shouldn't be too much longer though.

"Guys, I've got to tell you something," Kyle announced through a hurried breath, setting down his lunch tray with a clatter before plopping down next to Stan. Everyone who was already seated at the table glanced up simultaneously from their lunches to listen - that was, everyone except for the one _fat_ straggler, who was making an enormous effort to sip from his carton of milk as _noisily_ as possible.

"Yes, yes we know," Cartman droned dryly from across the table. He had his head cradled in one hand with his eyes directed lazily at the ceiling above. "You can't get laid because your vagina is as sandy as the Sahara desert. It's no wonder your Facebook DMs are so dry."

Kyle shot him a glare that probably would have read something along the lines of _really, bastard? Can't you let that die already?_ Of course it never actually met its target, since his target was still pretending to be engaged with the shitty plaster above them. Something about this irked Kyle to no end. The least he could do was own up to his words by _looking_ him in the damn eyes while he said it. " _Actually,”_  he hissed through gritted teeth, pulling out his phone and launching the app he'd been looking for, "I decided I'm going to make an account on Tinder."

A wide-eyed Cartman made a choking sound, nearly spewing his drink in the process. Kyle pointedly ignored this, although that didn't stop the heat from creeping to the back of his neck as he fiddled with the home screen. His fingers began to twitched anxiously, so Kyle forced them onto his lap and awaited the responses of his remaining two friends. _Would they laugh at him? Would they be supportive?_

Judging by Kenny's almost-immediate reaction, it was neither of these. Okay so sure, Kyle was not entirely unacquainted with the silent ruminations of his blond friend. Nowadays, Kenny rarely spoke unless it was to either say something meaningful or really immature, usually if there was tension that needed to be broken among the group. The thing was, it seemed entirely voluntarily. Kenny just wasn't as vocal of a person as Kyle or Cartman - Stan was a little more on the quieter side too - but he didn't seem to mind, and nobody else seemed to mind either. It was just the way things were.

But this was different. The silence that festered now was stormy and depressing and hung in the air like a dense overcast. The mere mention of the two syllable word "Tinder" seemed to draw Kenny's head closer to the surface of the table, until he was just short of smacking his forehead against it.

The worry that this elicited from Kyle was quickly punctuated by a disbelieving " _really?_ " that came from the redhead's other side. Stan, who had dragged the phone closer to the edge of the table to examine it, was peering at Kyle with obvious confusion. "But Kyle, I thought you didn't believe in online dating. You said it was just-"

"-the luck of the draw, except it's with a bunch of random strangers who may or may not secretly be serial killers that prey on lonely, sex-deprived college graduates and could easily get access to all of your personal data and location by feeding on your insecurities and using them to lure you into a dark alley where they can use your blood-splattered body as a calling card," Kyle finished, shrugging with disinterest, still somewhat irritated at his friend's bad timing. "I know, but then I thought about it some more, and maybe I was too quick to judge. I hadn't even done any legitimate research on it before saying all of that stuff, and for that reason I think it was unfair of me to make a preconceived assumption. Besides, it might not be such a bad idea if it means people get to meet other people with similar interests... Right, Kenny? You've done it before, haven't you?"

The blond's head perked up again at the sound of his name, and Kyle was met with a pair of icy blue eyes that gazed distractedly in his direction, not quite ever meeting his own. For a split second, they appeared to blink back to life with their usual wise, yet juvenile vigor before glazing over again. "Hm? Oh, yeah. Uh huh. It's not so bad... as long as you don't get yourself catfished by some dick pretending to be someone else.” Kenny spoke his words slowly and morosely, almost with a hint of bitterness; that and the downcast eyes gave off the irrepressible aura of someone who knew more than they were letting on, which only caused Kyle's stomach to clench up with even more nerves than before.

"Ha," Kyle chuckled anxiously, eyes darting back down to his phone sheepishly, like he'd just been caught asking a stupid question. Geez...what was up with Kenny today? Maybe he can catch the guy alone sometime and ask him about it. But for now... "Look, that's not going to happen. I've decided I'm going to approach this very cautiously to prevent that from ever happening."

"Wait, catfishing?" Cartman suddenly interrupted, having finally recovered from his coughing fit. The other males turned to look at him and saw that Cartman had been listening intently to their conversation with an undecipherable expression.

Kyle raised an eyebrow, expecting him to elaborate, but finding that he clearly wasn't going to. "You do know what that is, _right_?"

“Of course I know what catfishing is, Kahl," Cartman scoffed. "I'm not stupid. Now proceed," he said dismissively, waving the redhead off.

Kyle bristled, annoyed that his chance of possibly getting to the bottom of this Kenny dilemma was ruined. "My name is not- never mind. Anyways, I was hoping you guys would help me create my profile." Kyle took the phone back from Stan and placed it in the middle of the table. "I already narrowed down a couple of photos. I just need to add a good bio. Something that's true to me, but also flattering. Some humor wouldn't hurt either."

The other boys leaned across the table to look at the screen, except for Cartman, who simply snorted and took a long sip from his milk carton. "Oh I've got the perfect bio for you all right."

"Really?" Kyle asked, genuinely curious. He was just about to offer his phone to the other male when he met eyes with Stan, who shook his head and frowned reproachfully.

"Kyle, don't. You know Cartman. He's just going to write something Anti-Semitic and then laugh about it. Don't give him that pleasure."

Kyle sighed, shoulders slumping in disappointment. Stan was right. How could he have been so stupid? There was no way in hell he was going to let that asshole sabotage his profile, although Kyle knew he would try. He'd probably just try to match Kyle up with ugly basement-dwellers in their forties or something like that.

"Well, anyways," Kyle continued. "I'll figure that part out later. I at least need help choosing a decent profile picture though." He began swiping through the various photos of himself that he had stashed in his album and immediately began to notice a trend, which he hoped the others wouldn't catch onto.

"Don't you have any photos of you without your hat on?" Kenny asked, to which Kyle flinched in response. _For_ _fuck’s_ _sake._

It was somewhat embarrassing, really, but even in high school, Kyle still hadn’t grown out of his hair-loathing phase. It wasn’t that he hated _it_ per se, but rather the reactions he got from his classmates on the rare occasions that he wasn’t wearing a hat to cover the mass of curly red hair. He’d tried ditching his green ushanka somewhere around the 5th grade, and it worked for a while, but eventually his inhibition got the best of him, and Kyle ended up buying another one because it made him feel more secure and, well, like _himself_. And so the process only repeated itself from there. It was almost like elementary school all over again, except now he was the outlier in the group- the only one that wore a hat all the time, including inside.

Even Craig, who Kyle was certain had grown a strong attachment to his blue chullo dating back as early as kindergarten, no longer wore his hat anymore. Though Kyle suspected that may have been partially because Tweek liked seeing him without it. And Kyle knew how much of an influence the latter had over his boyfriend. It was weirdly endearing.

“Well what am I supposed to do, huh Kenny?” Kyle snapped defensively, jolting back to reality. “If I tried to take a picture with my hat off, my hair would take up like, three quarters of the frame.”

Cartman spoke up again, clearing his throat. “Then just crop the photo.”

“Huh?!”

He sighed and went on with the monotonous drawl that he only made a point to use when he was bored. “If you crop the photo at the top just above your hairline, you can still show off your-“ he gestured absently towards Kyle’s head “- _hair_ or whatever ginger thing resides on top of your head, and it won’t obstruct the entire photo.

Kyle stared blankly at him in astonishment, then slowly nodded after absorbing his words. Why was Cartman trying to be helpful all of a sudden?

“Um, thanks, Cartman,” Kyle said, not seeing any reason to get prickly on the rare occasion that his rival's advice is of actual use to him. “Yeah... you might be right. I’ll try doing that.”

“Of course you will,” Cartman replied darkly, earning him another raised eyebrow. O-kay...

Suddenly, the bell rang and students began scrambling out of their seats and bustling out of the cafeteria, signaling that it was time to start gathering up their stuff.

Cartman stood up and halted in his tracks to glance over his shoulder towards the others, who were not nearly as fast as him this time. “So, nerds, we hanging at my place tonight or what?”

“Yeah, dude. We’ll be there,” Kyle replied, just remembering that they had all agreed to meet at Cartman’s house after school to play video games.

“Nobody asked you, Kahl,” Cartman retorted smartly, but seemingly satisfied as he turned on his heel to stride away. Kyle scoffed and threw his hands up in exasperation.

“I can’t believe him sometimes. I can’t believe him! Was he not addressing _all of us_ when he asked that? Was I not justified to answer a question that was being directed at you two _and me?_ "

“Yeah,” Stan agreed worriedly, simultaneously slinging his backpack over one shoulder. “It’s weird, he seemed less- well, _verbal_ today than usual. And he left without us even though you two literally share your next class together. I think he might be up to something.”

Kyle and Kenny both hummed in agreement. “I know,” the latter said, shuffling his feet. There was still something about his tone...but that was for another time. “You don’t think he’s going to try to steal Kyle’s phone and upload his dick pics onto his Tinder account, do you?”

Kyle's response was instant. “He can’t. He doesn’t know my password. I made sure that nobody was looking when I put it in.”

Stan tilted his head. “I don’t know Kyle... it’s Cartman, remember? He’d do anything to fuck with you.” Kyle shivered. It was true. It certainly wasn’t to the extent of elementary school, but Cartman still continued to find ways to make Kyle’s life hell - even now. They bickered a lot, sure. But Cartman also wasn't beyond going out of his way to make Kyle the butt of his jokes and the target of his pranks. Kyle mainly just ignored them all and didn’t let the guy get under his skin like he would when they were kids, but there was also still potential for things to be taken too far.

Kenny bid them goodbye once they left the cafeteria, and the remaining duo began walking in the direction of their classes, which happened to be conveniently close by to one another.

Just then, Wendy strode down the hallway towards them and grabbed Stan’s arm, tugging gently. “Babe, we’ve got to go,” she urged, glancing back and forth between the two boys.

Stan turned towards his friend. “I’ll see ya later dude,” he promised, lacing his fingers with Wendy’s and offering Kyle one last departing nod before walking off.

Sighing, the redhead rounded the corner to get to his next class, his mind still racing. Stan and Wendy had always been somewhat of an on-again, off-again couple since they had first gotten together, except it seemed like by high school they began to settle into a routine and their fights were more quickly resolved.

Kyle would be lying if he said he wasn’t happy for them - he _was;_ it was just that he seemed to pale in comparison seeing as Kyle didn’t have all that much luck with relationships. Sure, he had acquired several girlfriends and a few boyfriends over the years, but they never lasted very long. They always seemed to get driven away by some invisible force that Kyle couldn’t quite put his finger on.

He decided not to dwell on it. After all, online dating couldn’t really backfire that much... right?

~~

”Pssst, Kyle.”

Kyle felt something pointy jab into his shoulder blade. “Psssst, turn around goddammit,” came the infuriatingly whiny voice again.

The redhead swiveled around in his seat just as an eraser whizzed past his head. “ _What?”_

Cartman was grinning knowingly at him and brandishing a piece of notebook paper in front of his face, which contained a poorly drawn image of Kyle with exaggerated features including an elongated nose, a scrawny body, and thick red curls that protruded out of a rather massive green hat. For a sketch that he must have produced during the first fifteen minutes or so of class, it was a pretty impressive caricature, but that was only the rational side of him speaking. The emotional side, of course, won out.  

”You should use this as your profile picture,” he whispered, snickering. Kyle scowled indignantly at him and snatched the paper from his hands, careful not to cause a disruption while they were still in class.

He crumpled the paper in his fist and stuffed it in his pocket. “Not funny, fatass. Those are just stupid stereotypes and you know it.”

”Psh. Whatever. Life imitates art, and all that jazz.” Cartman leaned forward slightly in his seat. “Speaking of which, have you figured out all of that account stuff for your Tinder yet? I mean, is it all up and running now?”

Just then, another voice entered the conversation. “Oh, why, Kyle... you’ve got one of them Tinder accounts?” asked Butters, who had apparently overheard them talking. Kyle groaned and slapped a palm over his now-burning face. This isn't how he had imagined things would go.

"Ah, yeah, about that," Kyle answered hesitantly, forgetting to keep his voice hushed this time. "Look, you two had better keep quiet about this or I'll-"

”Kyle Broflovski!" Oh _shit._ He jumped and immediately spun back around in his seat to face the front of the room. "I don't see how you could be paying attention with your back facing me," came the scolding voice of his teacher. Kyle shrunk down in his seat in embarrassment and mumbled a quick apology, sensing that his classmates' eyes were now all on him. More cackling came from behind him, prompting the male to roll his eyes.

It hadn't even been a full minute, and he felt a kick to the back of his chair. "Kyy-lllee. You never answered my question." Kyle ignored him. By now, the lead in his pencil had broken a whopping four times in the span of that minute, one for each kick.

Butters leaned over again, clearly oblivious. "Uh, hey Kyle? I think Cartman is trying to-"

"I know," Kyle hissed back as the male behind him continued whispering his name.

Without fully turning around, Kyle tilted his head in Cartman's direction, but made sure to keep a wary eye on the teacher. "Yes, I did finish it. I also decided on a profile picture, therefore I don't need your- _drawing._ "

Kyle didn’t have to see Cartman’s smarmy face to be able to detect the feigned hurt in his voice. “Wooow. Rejecting my offer even after I humbled you with my sincere advice earlier, which I didn't have to do by the way.” He clicked his tongue. “That’s low, Kahl, even for you.”

Kyle decided not to respond to him for the rest of class, and eventually he stopped.

~~

Several hours later, Kyle stood outside the familiar house with the green facade and rang the doorbell. He didn’t hear either Kenny or Stan inside, so he figured they must not have arrived yet.

It took the other male an agonizing two whole minutes to finally get to the door, a time in which Kyle spent expelling warm breaths on his numb, gloveless hands and rubbing them vigorously together.

Kyle couldn’t believe they were still doing this: hanging out together after school to play video games or just to fuck around even though they were technically adults or at least close to being. It was almost like the town had never really grown up or even aged at all. Most of the kids that grew up in South Park continued to stick around and planned to keep sticking around even after graduation. What it was about their town that was so damn magnetizing, Kyle didn’t really know.

All in all, most things stayed pretty much the same. Tweek and Craig were still together, so were Wendy and Stan, and Kenny was still Kenny. Cartman had lost quite a bit of weight since they’d entered high school, albeit it still wasn’t enough for Kyle to renounce his official nickname for him. It was more like he shed a few layers. Except...when Kyle had asked him why he had made the decision in the first place, the only response he’d gotten in return was “because I can Kahl, and because fuck you,” but somehow, Kyle knew that couldn't have been the entire truth.

Kyle was finally broken out of his reverie when he saw the door crack open in front of him. He was met by the brunet, who at some point had decided to change out of one of his usual baggy hoodies and into a slimmer maroon turtleneck that actually did his shape some justice. Kyle had to admit, maroon looked pretty good on him, although there was no way in hell he would ever admit that directly to Cartman's smug face.

Said brunet, upon seeing him, simply leaned against the doorframe of the threshold and jerked his head upward in casual acknowledgment. “Sup, Jew?”

“Just freezing my ass off while waiting on your fat one,” Kyle quipped, shoving past him and ignoring the loud snort that he received in response as he hurried into the warmer interior.

Kyle promptly took a seat on the couch in the middle of the room and picked up one of the controllers that was sitting on top of the cushion, resting it on his lap. There was a bit of sticky residue on it, maybe syrup or frosting, which was wiped away by Kyle's shirt before being placed back down.

“So... where’s your mom anyways?” Kyle asked, briefly glancing around to survey the rather messy state of the house as Cartman shut the door and walked over to join him on the couch.

Cartman brought the foot rest over towards them and propped both his feet up, then leaned back and shrugged. “I dunno. Probably sleeping with some random guy. How should I know?”

Kyle fumbled. “Well I just- I just figured-“

”Oh my god I’m just fucking with you dude,” Cartman laughed, doubling over and gripping his stomach. “She's at the store. Yeesh. You can be so uptight sometimes, Kyle.”

Kyle narrowed his eyes into slits. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing,” he mumbled. Kyle noticed the set of lingering eyes on his pocketed phone and went to clutch it protectively in his hand. The brunet’s gaze, however, stayed locked on the device. “What is it- Cartman?”

Cartman looked up and flashed him an innocent smile. “Well... I was just wondering if I could see your Tinder profile now that it’s all done?” He paused. “It _is_ done, right?”

Kyle was slightly discomforted by the prospect of Cartman seeing his profile- not only that, but he'd also be the first of the guys to see it; Kyle pulled out his phone and stared thoughtfully at the black screen. “Yeah, uh, it’s done," he said, hesitantly switching it on. “Fine, but you do _not_ get to make fun of me, got it? Not a word.”

Cartman nodded and mimed zipping his lips before scooting closer. The redhead sighed and made sure Cartman was looking away so he could enter his login information using the fake Facebook account that he had created. “Okay, I’m in. You can look now.“

Kyle heard shuffling on the couch next to him, and a moment later Cartman was peering over his shoulder to study the screen. He noticed the brunet take in a sharp intake of breath, and Kyle was about to scold him for laughing, but upon closer inspection, realized that his expression held no visible indication of mirth. In fact, Cartman’s eyes were all but glued to the screen, as if he was trying to scrutinize the entirety of Kyle's profile.

For his profile picture, Kyle had decided to go with what he thought was the most appealing selfie of himself without his hat on...although admittedly, he’d spent about an hour snapping a multitude of photos and sorting them each based on lighting, blurriness, facial expression, etc. All that came left after that was selecting the best ones. He also had thoroughly scoured the internet in search of tips and expert advice on how to take the best selfies, as he was hoping that he could pull off not looking like a complete amateur or else he’d never hear the end of Cartman’s incessant taunting.

As for the actual photo, Kyle had chosen to use the sunlight that streamed in from his bedroom window as a direct light source, making sure that it didn't totally wash out his complexion. A generous amount of hair gel was also used while wrestling with his curls until that perfect balance of tousled and sexy was achieved.

While posing for the camera, Kyle remembered struggling to angle the phone down slightly and jut out his cheek to get a more attractive shot of his face. It ended up alright in the end, though, and he finished off with a simple close-mouthed smile.

Why Kyle put in all of the effort just for one measly photo - he had no idea, but here he was using it in his Tinder profile and here he was showing it to Cartman, who for some reason, wasn’t making any demeaning comments on it thus far.

Kyle, who was still visibly disturbed by the pervasive silence, began to pull back his phone.

Cartman latched onto his wrist. ”Dude, what the hell Kyle?! I wasn’t even done looking yet!” came the male’s shrill protest, his free hand desperately groping desperately at the air.

Kyle wrenched his arm away and shoved him hard on the torso. “Why do you want to look so bad, huh fatass?! Back off!”

Cartman’s eyes widened and he seemed to consider this before finally complying and slinking towards the other side of the couch, where he sat and pouted at the redhead.

Kyle groaned. “You know... I don’t get you sometimes. It’s like... sometimes you just act kind of-“

Before he could finish his thought, the front door burst open and in walked Stan and Kenny, who were both carrying bags of fast food.

“Hey dudes,” Stan said, strolling over to the kitchen with Kenny in tow to set the bags down on the table. As Kyle watched them return, he noticed that Kenny’s eyes had wandered over to the phone cradled in Kyle’s hand, just as Cartman’s had earlier, except Kenny‘s body went completely rigid.

Kyle stared at him, but Kenny didn’t budge- or even meet his eyes. Stan was unsurprisingly oblivious to the exchange and just sat cross-legged on the couch with a bag of chips in hand, while Cartman... well, Kyle didn’t even look to see whether Cartman was paying attention or not.

Kyle set his phone back down on his thigh without turning it off. “Hey, Kenny, is everything okay? You’ve seemed kind of...out of it since lunchtime.”

Kenny’s hands clenched at his sides, and Kyle could see that he was visibly shaking. “So what?! You guys said the same thing about Cartman this morning too!”

Kyle flinched, not expecting the outburst. “Well yeah but-“

“Then just let it go!”

Kyle was completely baffled. Why was Kenny acting this way all of a sudden? Did it have something to do with the dating app that Kyle had signed up for? Kenny was, after all, the one that had brought up catfishing earlier, and it’s not like online dating was unfamiliar territory to him. What if _he_ had been catfished before? That _would_ explain his behavior...

“Kenny... have you ever been-“

“Woah woah woah- hold on guys,” Cartman interrupted, breaking Kyle out of his train of thought. “Kyle, did you just match with someone on Tinder?”

Momentarily distracted, Kyle whipped his head around to glare at the male sitting next to him. “What? Of course not, idiot. I’ve just been sitting here- wait what the fuck?”

There, right there on the screen, were the words:

**It’s A Match!**

“But- but that’s impossible! I hadn’t even started swiping on anyone yet!”

Cartman frantically shook his head. “No no I _saw_ you. You were definitely swiping.”

“You’re so full of shit Cartman! You saw me, right Stan? I wasn’t even looking at my phone.”

“ _I_   _wasn’t even looking at my phone, right Stan?_ “ Cartman mimicked. “Goddammit Kahl, it says right here that you matched with someone!” He tried pointing at the screen, but Kyle withdrew his phone just in time before he could touch it.

Kyle scoffed. “You’re such a child.”

“Better that than a lying, sniveling-“

Stan thankfully cut him off by butting in. “Uh, guys?” he said, clearing confused by their arguing. “Look, I think Cartman might actually be right here. I mean, why does it matter _how_ you matched anyways? You’ve got to admit, she’s pretty hot...just don’t tell Wendy I said that.”

Kyle lifted the device up to his face to squint at the small circular photo, drinking in the blonde hair and eerily perfect blue eyes that stared back smilingly at him, then brought it back down. “Yeah no you’re right. She’s pretty hot,” he replied automatically, then faltered. “Wait, no. That can wait...Kenny, I wanted to ask you something.”

But Kenny had evidently made himself scarce, as he was no longer standing in the room with them. Did he go into the kitchen? Or maybe the bathroom?

Stan and Kyle exchanged anxious glances. “Shouldn’t we go look for him?” the former asked.

Cartman abruptly rose from the couch. “Don’t worry guys. I’ve got this. You two can just like- hang out for a bit and stuff.” And with that, he quickly bolted from the room, leaving the other two in a state of utter bewilderment.

Stan blinked and slowly settled back against the cushion. “Dude, what the hell just happened?”

Kyle shook his head. “I have no idea. I just thought we were going to come over here to play video games and eat food that’s bad for us.”

”Yeah, me too,” Stan agreed. “Do you think Kenny’s okay? I hadn’t even realized that anything was up with him.”

Kyle sighed and chewed on his lip. This was just so unlike their normally put-together and upbeat friend. “I...don’t know. I guess all we can hope for is that Cartman can find him and somehow pry some sort of information out of him.” He paused. "Why exactly are we leaving this up to Cartman again?"

But Stan apparently wasn't listening.

"Stan?"

He was staring down at Kyle's phone, which was still logged onto Tinder. There was one unread message that made Kyle's heart all but leap into his throat. It was from that girl:

**Hi there cutie**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so the angst train has officially left the station. Well there’s plenty more where that came from! But don’t worry, it’s not over yet. *wink* 
> 
> ALSO, to any of you out there who want an outlet for your crazed kyman/south park needs, or just someone to talk to in general, chat me up on discord sometime: Xalayss#2015
> 
> I’d love to hear from you :)

Kyle read the message over once, twice, then three times. His hands were trembling profusely, as were all thoughts of Kenny’s abrupt exit wiped away instantaneously. Cute. She had called him _cute._ Could it have been some mistake? Did she swipe the wrong person? Was this actually happening to him?

”Dude, holy shit!” Stan gasped into his ear, grabbing on tightly to his friend’s shoulders and shaking him wildly from vicarious excitement. “Well answer her, moron!”

”I’m going to, I’m going to!” Kyle shrieked, frantically typing out a message and then immediately deleting it. He felt a sudden urge to bash his head against the wall- any wall. This was so stupid. All that time spent working on putting together a decent profile, and he didn’t even take the time to think about how he’d actually interact with the people that he matched with. And how he wanted to present himself.

”Should we, I don’t know, tell Cartman?” Stan offered, glancing uneasily towards the staircase that led up to the second floor.

Kyle glared, daring him to move. “No we should not tell Cartman! Do you think I trust that sadist with anything this compromising?” Kyle was already beginning to regret allowing Cartman to see his Tinder in the first place. Had he been too trusting?

A part of Kyle, the one that felt like he had some sort of moral obligation to uphold, had always been somewhat hopeful that Cartman would change his attitude or at the very least mature, and thus purge all thoughts of Kyle wanting to throttle him at every given moment. Sure, he wasn’t quite as insufferable as he had been when they were kids, but Kyle probably felt more wary of him now than ever before. Normally, once Cartman found a way to wreak physical and emotional havoc, he couldn’t keep his mouth shut about it. That wasn’t really the case anymore. He was much less antagonistic overall. _Mellow_ may have been a bit of a stretch, but it wasn’t entirely untrue. Instead, his schemes were becoming less frequent and more under the radar. He was certainly not a force to be reckoned with.

On the surface, Cartman responded with mostly indifference towards everything that happened in the background, unless Kyle was somehow involved, and he had become more enigmatic than ever. But Kyle know that it had to be just a pretense. He _knew_ Cartman, and he knew how much gratification the bastard gained from his stupid stunts.

But he had to admit, there _was_ something different...something more to the guy than meets the eye. It manifested itself in the way that he’d sulk about all the time and in the way that he shrugged everything off like it didn’t really matter. It was like that spark inside of him was fading from existence altogether.

Kyle had even begun to suspect that maybe, just maybe, Cartman’s behavioral changes could be a sign of a guilty conscience, if such a thing was possible.

**You there?**

Kyle took a deep breath and silently typed back.

_Yeah, I’m here_

Before Kyle could type something else, another response came in.

**Do you always style your hair like that?**

Kyle blushed and subconsciously tucked a hand beneath the folds of his had to caress the locks of springy hair stuffed underneath. There was still the remnants or hair gel left in there, but it was very minimal.

_No not always. Why? Not a fan?_

**No I like it**

**You should wear it like that more often**

”What’s she saying?” Stan asked, startling the other male. Kyle stuck up his index finger and proceeded to send a quick ‘thank you’ back to the girl, whose name he had just noticed was Emma. He set his phone down.

”She uh... she says she likes my hair,” Kyle admitted, rubbing the back of his neck and trying to ignore the burning in his cheeks.

Stan grinned and nudged his shoulder. “Wow look at you. My best friend’s a real stud.”

Kyle laughed. “Shut up.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Kyle noticed another incoming message.

**No problem. Btw do you maybe wanna meet up sometime?**

Kyle’s flush deepened and he bit his lip in contemplation. Didn’t this all seem a little rushed though?

”Dude, hey...” Kyle elbowed Stan’s side and showed him the conversation. “What do you make of this?”

Stan surveyed the screen and Kyle watched as his eyebrows shot up. “Holy shit, Kyle. I think she wants to go on a date with you.”

”Well, yeah, but don’t you think it’s a little _soon_? I don’t know enough about online dating to know how this is all supposed to work, but I’m pretty sure most people don’t just agree to go out after like a five minute conversation... right?”

Stan rolled his eyes in amusement. “You’ve got to at least give her credit for asking.” He sighed. “I don’t know, Kyle. Maybe you should give it a chance. The worst that could happen is she stands you-“

Apparently, Cartman had chosen that exact moment to announce his presence, quite boisterously at that. Kyle and Stan jerked their heads up in surprise as Cartman cleared his throat from the landing and began descending the stairs.

As soon as he reached the bottom, Cartman re-entered the room and slid in between the two boys on the couch, wasting no time in sprawling out his legs to purposefully invade their personal spaces.

Kyle raised an eyebrow. “There’d better be a good reason why you’re back down here, fatass. Did you find Kenny?”

Cartman seemed to consider this. “Ah, yeah, I did actually. In fact, I totally caught him trying to sneak out through my bedroom window when I went upstairs to check up on him. He said he didn’t want you guys seeing him so upset so he just kind of...left.” Before the other two had a chance to open their mouths again, Cartman hastily tacked on a “what a pussy amirite guys?” at the end and grinned at the both of them. Kyle furrowed his eyebrows, not buying into it. Either he was imagining things or Cartman’s voice had a slight tremor to it. But from what? Was it sympathy?

”That’s too bad,” Stan answered for him, exhaling in obvious concern. “He’s our friend. We would’ve been there for him. I just wish he didn’t feel like he had to hide things from us.”

Kyle’s eyes automatically flickered to the male next to him, who, sensing this, tilted his head towards the redhead and seemed to regard him with an intense curiosity that sent a shiver down the other’s spine. Kyle squirmed unwittingly under the prolonged stare, but found himself too stubborn to be the first to break eye contact. Needless to say, there was a reason why they called the eyes the “windows to the soul.”

They were undoubtedly reminiscent of almonds, pointed and sharp in shape. Kyle watched in a trance as the hooded eyelids swept down to cover honey-brown irises. When they reopened again, Kyle was sure that the pupils had blown up, like they had done when he was looking through Kyle’s profile...except that was impossible. Surely, if dilated pupils really signified attraction like everybody always said they did, then either Kyle was looking too far into things or he was losing his goddamn mind.

Officially weirded out and beyond confused by the exchange, Kyle willed himself to tear his gaze away. He tried to still his thumping heart by letting his thoughts drift back to the Tinder girl, all the while Cartman kept on sneaking glances at him.

That time around, Stan was quick to sense the tension in the air and immediately came to his best friend’s rescue.

“You know, the KFC that has been sitting out in Cartman’s kitchen is probably starting to get cold by now. Do you guys wanna dig in?”

Kyle sighed in relief at the subject change and stood up at the same time as Stan. “Hell yeah dude. Let’s go.”

“Woah woah woah, hold up there carrot top,” Cartman said, grabbing his arm and pulling him back down. Kyle looked at Stan in alarm, but the latter just shrugged and turned to exit the room. _Traitor._

“What do you want?” Kyle asked unsurely, hugging his arms protectively across his chest to indicate that he was putting his guard back up.

Cartman turned towards him and slung an arm over the back of the couch directly behind Kyle. “What’s your type?”

“Excuse me?”

“Your type. Like when you’re searching for people on Tinder,” he elaborated. “What is it?”

“U-um, I dunno.” How could he even answer this? He’d only matched with one girl so far. “Blonde chicks with blue eyes are pretty nice I guess.” It was the first thought that popped into his head, but even Kyle could detect the dubiousness in his own voice.

Cartman squinted suspiciously at him. “Uh huh... What about dudes?” Kyle waited for a homophobic comment to follow the rather prodding question, but to his surprise, none came. In fact, Cartman’s expression hadn’t changed at all. What the hell was going on?

“Hm... maybe someone tall with nice eyes and a strong build?” What _was_ his type anyways?

Cartman snorted in disbelief. “Really Kyle? I would have expected you to be one of those over-the-top hopeless romantic sort of guys. You know, the kind that need to get emotionally invested before he even _thinks_ about touching a penis. That’s pretty shallow of you.”

Kyle huffed indignantly at him, wishing he could be anywhere but here. “Oh c’mon, you know that’s not _all_ that I look for.”

“Then what the hell are we having this conversation for?”

“Like I’d ever tell you my type!”

“Why not?!”

Wasn’t it obvious? “Because you’re the last person I’d ever share that information with, plain and simple.”

Cartman recoiled from his seat and shot him a glare so full of malice that Kyle could have sworn he saw sparks shoot out of those darkened eyes. “Fine, Kahl,” he sneered. “I hope you have fun going on dates with a bunch of fake bastards, who by the way, are just going to play you like a fiddle anyways.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? Just because they’re from a dating app doesn’t make them fake, dumbass. They’re still _real people_...well, probably.”

Cartman opened his mouth to retort something, but immediately clamped it back shut. He closed his eyes and sucked in a short respiration in an apparent effort to regulate his breathing. By the time they opened again, he was back to exhibiting his usual impassive expression, with eyes just as void of emotion. “They’re all phony and you know it. Face it Jew, you’re going to be alone all of your life if you keep playing the guessing game with people,” he drawled coldly, his words striking a chord in Kyle.

“Oh yeah?” Kyle asked in a raised voice, getting to his feet. “You don’t think I can do this, can you? Is that what all this shit is about? Well I’ll have you know that I _am_ capable of dating, you fat lard. I’ll show you.” And he would.

“Tch, yeah sure. Whatever you say.”

Kyle wasn’t sure why Cartman was acting like such a prick—more so than usual—all of a sudden, but it was enough to get him fired up. With a new resolve surging through his mind, Kyle stomped off towards the kitchen without sparing the other male so much as a glance until he was completely out of sight. Then, he pulled out his phone and slammed his thumbs against the keyboard as he typed in a fit of hysterics. Was he being completely dense and acting out of irrational anger? Probably. But at this point Kyle really didn’t give a shit. All that mattered to him was proving Cartman wrong.

_Yeah I’m up for it. Want to meet up at City Wok tonight at 7?_

The response was immediate.

~~

Cartman watched in secret triumph as the redhead stormed out of the room, a slight smirk tugging on his lips. Kyle resented him. Good. It was better that way anyways. Their little touching moment earlier was simply way too close and intimate for his liking, and he just wanted to go back to being sworn rivals again, like old times. Whatever it took, he had to stop the guy from dismantling the walls he had long ago built inside his head—with nothing but those eyes: those huge fucking green orbs that kept sucking him in over and over again and- no. no way. He had to keep up the act no matter how much emotional turbulence was swimming inside and threatening to pour out, even if it meant keeping Kyle in the dark. Kenny may have found him out already, but the other two could under no circumstances know how he really felt, especially not Kyle.

He thumbed the phone in his hand and hummed to himself until he felt the vibration in his palm. It was Kyle.

He read the message and felt the anger bubbling inside of him again as he hit send.

**That would be perfect.**

Stowing his phone in his pocket, Cartman joined the rest of the guys in the kitchen while doing his best to acknowledge Kyle as little as possible.

~~

Kyle swallowed a lump in his throat as he bolted out the door and got into his car, then proceeded to struggle to get the keys into the ignition. He had no idea how to dress for a date with a stranger, so he just pulled on a polo shirt and some dark jeans in a last-ditch effort. Deciding to go with his date’s advice, Kyle also went out without a hat for the first time in god knows how long. He wasn’t exactly confident in his look, but he wasn’t _dissatisfied_ either.

Fortunately, it was only two minutes past seven by the time Kyle arrived and entered the restaurant. He sat down at one of the tables towards the corner and kept an eye on the door, folding his hands together anxiously on the tabletop.

Kyle was approached a number of times by several people asking if he was saving the table, and he was starting to develop a severely sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach that only grew as the minutes passed. He even had to muster enough willpower to turn down the free food that was offered to him in exchange for his departure as it got close to an hour of waiting.

By this point, Kyle was on the verge of a full-blown panic attack. As he fiddled with his silverware for about the tenth time that evening, reality began to settle in, and Kyle prayed that the floor would just open up and swallow him whole. Anything was better than the utter humiliation that he was experiencing in that moment.

Just when he thought things couldn’t get any worse, the last person on earth that he wanted to see entered his peripheral vision.

“Well well well, if it isn’t Kyle Broflovski,” came the singsong voice. “Wooow, nice getup you’ve got there. You waiting on someone?”

Kyle exhaled loudly through his nose and forced himself to look at the smug male towering above him. “Are you here to gloat or to just be a general pain in my ass?”

“Aw, you mean I can only pick one?” he snickered, clicking his tongue. “By the way...I hope you don’t mind, but I brought some friends.”

“Yeah, we’re not your friends,” emerged the nasally voice of Craig Tucker, who came into view just behind Cartman. To his right side was his boyfriend Tweek, but to Kyle’s satisfaction, both boys looked extremely disgruntled and were glaring holes at the back of Cartman’s head.

“Yeah and I’m pretty sure the only r-reason we came with you is because you practically cornered us outside the restaurant a-and-“

“Ah ah,” Cartman scolded, cutting Tweek off mid-sentence. “Now, is that any way to talk when there’s a lonely, depressed boy in need of some company over here?” As Cartman slid into the seat next to him, Kyle met his eyes and then proceeded to flip him off.

“Aw man, you beat me to it,” Craig deadpanned, sitting down across from the pair of them, although Kyle could have sworn he saw the guy smirk at the gesture.

“You guys don’t have to stay, you know,” Kyle said, not bothering to hide his disappointment. “Seriously, I was just about to leave anyways.” What even was the point of staying? It was obvious that the girl behind the screen wasn’t going to show. Cartman was...right.

He felt an elbow jab into his side. “Oh c’mon now Kyle, don’t you want relationship advice from our very own Tweek and Craig here?”

“Cartman...” Kyle warned through gritted teeth, too mortified to even check to see if the other two were staring at him. “Just because they’re a gay couple doesn’t make them celebrities, you piece of shit. They’re only people.”

“Oh for god’s sake, just lay off of him already, Cartman.” Now _that_ made him look up. Even though Craig was the type of person who could get away with saying whatever shit he wanted to anybody without batting an eye, Tweek was a whole different story, especially when it came to Cartman.

Craig, however, looked more pleased than shocked. He had a hand wrapped securely around Tweek’s waist and was smiling fondly at him, an expression which was very uncharacteristic for Craig unless he was in the presence of his boyfriend. “What he said,” he agreed.

“That makes three to one, fatass. You’re outnumbered,” Kyle stated, which earned him a scoff in return.

“Ugh, fine. You gaywads are boring me anyways.” He got up from his seat, eyes scanning each one of them individually, but lingering the most on Kyle. “Laters.” Kyle waited for him to leave before releasing the exasperated sigh that he’d been holding in. He hunched over in accepted defeat, no longer worrying if the remaining duo saw him sulking.

Still wallowing in his own self-pity, Kyle pulled out his phone and launched the Tinder app. After the screen finished loading, he opened up the conversation he was looking for and sent a curt message, then slammed his phone back down on the table.

“You’re not going to keep letting him walk all over you like that, are you?” Craig asked in what sounded like genuine sympathy. “It’s not like you haven’t beaten his ass before.”

Kyle laughed bitterly. “You guys don’t get it. He won. He actually called my bluff this time and there’s nothing I can d- huh?” There, laying face-down on the seat next to him, was Cartman’s phone. Startled by the buzzing, Kyle picked it up and turned it over in his hand.

His stomach sank. No... there was no way.

He held the phones adjacent to one another and sent a simple ‘?’ to the user, and sure enough, it popped up on Cartman’s screen a few seconds later. He sent another, and then another, but the same result came every time.

Kyle saw red. In a span of less than a minute, his heart had begun pounding at an abnormally rapid pace, and his breathing had become swift and ragged. Tweek and Craig, who had been watching the male as his fingers flew wildly across the screen, exchanged bewildered glances.

“Uh, Kyle?” Kyle knew one of them was speaking to him, but his unbridled rage prevented him from identifying which one it was, as their voice simply blended with the deafening thumps in his ears.

“I am going to _rip_ his fucking throat out.”

~~

“CARTMAAAN!”

Cartman flinched at the shrill, banshee-like voice that penetrated the hallways and prompted everyone in it to stop dead in their tracks. Before Cartman even had a chance to blink, the horde of students parted like the Red Sea, leaving Cartman vulnerable and isolated.

“CARTMAN!” That time, the voice was much closer, and what soon followed was a set of measured footsteps that grew increasingly amplified and urgent. They bounded down the corridor until they were directly behind him.

Cartman felt a hot breath against the nape of his neck and spun around instinctively to shield himself, but it was already too late. “Oh hey Kyle, what’s u- a- ack!” The brute force of the blow to his stomach was enough to completely knock the wind out of him, leaving him doubled over and gasping for breath with his books strewn across the floor.

“Okay what the fuck Kyle?!” he wheezed, staggering to his feet and clutching his gut as the redhead glowered menacingly at him. By that moment, the entire hallway had become stunned into silence. Nobody moved from where they were standing and everybody was all but holding their breaths. Many teachers were also peering outside their doors to see what was going on.

Kyle jabbed a finger dangerously close to his face. “YOU! It was YOU!”

“What are you talking about?” The redhead cursed something under his breath and reached inside of his backpack, then pulled something out that was all too familiar. Oh god... it was his phone, _Cartman’s_ phone. He had tried going back to retrieve it shortly after leaving City Wok when he realized it wasn’t in his pocket and had even asked the owner to call his home phone if it ever turned up, and yet somehow the thought of Kyle picking it up hadn’t even crossed his mind. He had really fucked up this time, hasn’t he?

“Shit...wait no Kyle, I can explain. Please.”

“It’s _my life_ Cartman. What gives you the right to- to toy with me like that? Why do you feel it necessary to try _so hard_ to ruin my life? Does it satisfy your twisted mind that much to fuck with me?”

“Kyle-“

The next thing he knew, a fist was colliding with his face at full-force. Cartman’s hand instinctively flew up to cup his throbbing nose, knees beginning to buckle uncontrollably under him from immense discomfort. In his moment of weakness, Cartman witnessed a bombardment of unwanted flashbacks that all seemed to lead back to elementary school, to times when Kyle used to whale on him at any given moment for pissing him off.

“No! I don’t want to hear it.” Cartman was quick to notice the frailness in his voice. He was losing confidence. “I’ve had enough of you _shitting_ on my life and making me feel like garbage. I’m done, do you hear that you fat fuck? I’m done with you. And I mean it this time.”

“Heh...” Cartman wheezed as blood gushed from his nose. “You say that like we’re a couple.” It was the worst possible thing he could have responded back with- not only that but it completely obliterated any chance he had at clemency, yet his pride still won out in the end.

He figured if he played the whole thing off as a joke, maybe the aftermath of it wouldn’t hurt so bad. The pain in his face and in his stomach? That he could deal with. _That_ was nothing. It was everything else that hurt. It was the deep-rooted anguish embedded inside, underneath countless layers, that was tormenting him— that hollow part in his chest that could no longer be filled or satisfied through schemes and pranks and gags. Was this _heartache?_

And yet even though he knew these things about himself, Cartman _still_ felt the need to inflict suffering on others, to break them...it was all he knew and all he had grown up understanding. And it all lead up to this.

Kyle’s eyes flashed with anger, but he didn’t act on it thenceforth. Instead, he extended his hand out and dropped the phone into Cartman’s open palm. “Have a nice life, Cartman.” After turning around and marching a few paces, Kyle stopped, and Cartman could have sworn he saw his shoulders droop. Without turning around, the redhead spoke again. “And while you’re at it, maybe try growing up a little.”

Then, he was gone and time was back in motion again. Everybody resumed their academic duties as if nothing had happened while Cartman tore desperately through the crowd to catch up with him...because it was the only thing that he could think to do.


End file.
